Due to Hollywood, we all have this programmed expectation that if there is a spark, then he/she could be the one. Not really arguing with that one but the contrary is what I disagree with; if there is no spark, then there is no hope and no point?
What is the "spark"? Really, what does it mean? It can mean numerous things for different people. It can be a solely sexual attraction, or it can be a soul-enriching feeling that someone understands you. Either way, it leads to something genuine happening to you, and it is a good thing.
Why do we get butterflies when we are with some people and not others? It depends really; attraction can be looks, personality, shared or common experiences, ability to commit etc. On the other hand, other things can block you from allowing these butterflies from fluttering. You are in a bad mood, nothing to do with your date, just “outside interference” shall we say.
Perhaps your date was so nervous before you did not get to see or feel their other qualities. Being nervous is something that you should embrace, and your date should be flattered that you are nervous, it shows that they care about the date going well. Regardless of whether your first date was good, bad, or ugly, you should go out on a second date. Here is a look at why.
The First Date Was Good
Everything was great, both of you were on time, you got on well, shared quality conversation. You find yourself physically attracted to them and when you think back to the date itself despite the fact you think they are incredibly hot, you spent more time listening to them, understanding them, and appreciating them.
Well, a second date on the cards for sure and all for the obvious reasons. It is a good idea though because you can test the water to ensure that it was not a fluke. You can see if they more of the same to offer regarding the quality of date. Is your date a one hit wonder? You will not know until you have a second date. Need some ideas? Check out my guest blog from 1st February - Places to go on a First Date.
The First Date Was Bad
There are many reasons that a first date could go wrong or not feel right. The nerves (mentioned above) for one; self-inflicted pressure and nerves can mess a person up, and they will not be themselves. Take a job interview for example; we have all been there before, the job is perfect for you, the work culture is excellent. You find out that the hours are flexible and no questions ask, the salary is fantastic, and you know that you can do the job standing on your head with your hands tied behind you. All your abilities, skills, and experience are diluted so much though when nerves get the better of you.
When you are in a prolonged stage of panic, you just do not think correctly, and you could argue that you are not an accurate reflection of yourself then. You’re not lying; you are just so overcome with nerves that the real you is masked under this other person that is struggling to remember what they had for breakfast or their last name, never mind a time where you had to deal with a customer that was irate.
Similarly with first dates; you are so worried, and nerves have taken over. So, now all you manage is a game of eye spy with my little eye. The guy or the girl cares so much that you enjoy your date that they have started to panic about the what if you do not, so cut them some slack. Wait until later the next day, tell them that you noticed that they were nervous and that it is okay. Invite them to another date and ensure them that you enjoyed their company before and you are sure that you will both have an even better time on the second date.
But Christopher, my first date was terrible or as you put it, ugly!
Look at it this way, unless the person is not as described in their profile, your second date cannot possibly be any worst and can only get better. Maybe they tried to surprise you, but paintball was not your thing, you have this bruise camouflage thing going all over your thighs, and the only positive from it all is that the bruises are hidden under your clothes. Or maybe indoor rock climbing is not your idea of a good first date. Sweating, pulling on weird and tight fitting equipment, when they are spotting on you all you can think of is “Christ, all they can see right now is my butt!”
Your date probably noticed that you were not enjoying yourself and they are kicking themselves for taking a risk and trying to be unique. Well here is what you can do, take the lead with the next date; you decide on the next venue or activity. Your date will be surprised for that somehow they have a second date with you, so you have already relieved them of the nerves and self-hating for messing it up.
It shows that you appreciate the out-of-the-box thinking and you had the quality of character to step up and commit to the date. After all, if you cannot commit to a date (first, second, third etc.) how can you possibly commit to a relationship?
When it is all said and done, as the aim is to find the person that could be the one, what harm can a second date do? You will both get a chance to try again, impress again, and even offer light but constructive feedback on the first date and suggestions what would have been better. Do this, and you will already be ahead of thousands of couples, if not millions.
You are showing that you can give and take criticism, you are indicating that you can and want to listen to your partner (in this case potential partner), you do not fear the difficult conversations, and you both accept that relationships are not all rose petals and smiles. Just like first dates are not all swooning with lust or deep understanding of the others true worth as a person or a partner.
Everyone deserves another chance, right?
My next blog will be looking at Dating Tips and Safety.
See you next time!
Cheers, Christopher McPhillips