by Dr Mairi Macleod

I have a question for midlife women!
Do you feel that there are no decent men left out there?
And another one…
Have you tried online dating but find yourself wasting time messaging guys who are just not looking for the kind of relationship you are?
Well, if the answers are yes I have to say I know where you’re coming from – that used to be me. I spent years as a single mum, feeling pretty lonely and trying to find a new partner I could be happy with.
I signed up for online dating sites, I met up with men and had a few relationships, but I always ended up with guys who didn’t meet my needs: Either they were players who disappeared after a while, or they were narcissists out for themselves, or it just didn’t feel that they had my back.
Why was I getting it so wrong!
I clearly had to change the way I was looking for men – and then finally the penny dropped. I’m a biologist, and I’d been researching and writing about the science of human behaviour and relationships for years – I already had the answers!
Evolutionary science can tell us so much about why we behave and feel the way we do – the ultimate explanation - and I love the fact that it has so much power to explain how we can change our situations to get things to be the way we want.
For one thing, it made me realise that following our gut instincts when getting together with a guy is going to end badly. These instincts evolved back in stone-age times when a woman needed different things from her man.
Back then the blokes you’d want to look out for were the big, dominant, high status ones who could provide for and protect you and the kids. We still want those things, even though they’re not usually traits that indicate a good long term relationship partner. Nowadays we’d be a lot better off if we can consciously evolve our preferences to suit us better in the modern world and for the life stage we’re in.
So I put my consciousness into action, went over the research and then armed with a knowledge of what I needed to find in a man for a happy relationship, and how to look for one, I got myself out there to find him.
It was a cold and rainy January night when I met my man. Me and a pal took ourselves into town for a singles night, and I got chatting to Rob, and I liked him, but it wasn’t love or even lust at first sight.
We got to know each other over the following few weeks because he attended some classes I was running. I could tell he was one of the good guys, but it wasn’t until I heard him sing and play ukulele in a pub session – and totally own the room - that I really got the hots.
Well it turns out I’ve found the love of my life. We got married in 2019 and I’ve never been happier. But the crazy thing is, if I’d been following my old ways of looking for men I’d never have given him a chance. I’d never have even got to the stage of hearing his gorgeous singing voice. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I learned not to trust those stone-age instincts for choosing a mate.
Finally then, in my 50s, I got the relationship thing sussed. And now my mission is to help other women in midlife do the same and find a partner they can have the best relationship with.
So what did I do to make it work?
Well, I changed several aspects of my approach to dating and I’ve itemised them here so you can apply them in your own life to help YOU find a good partner.
1. Figure out the type of guy you need
You might like the idea of being with a guy who’s 6’4’’, gorgeous, and has a six-figure salary, but these traits are no guarantee of relationship success. A man like this knows he’s hot stuff and might not value you in the way you’d like.
Better then to reprioritise and focus on the qualities that actually matter for a contented, lasting relationship. I reckon that means going for someone who’s considerate, trustworthy, and one who’ll try to make you happy every day. They do exist.
2. Know who you MUST avoid
There are some men out there who have the potential to make you very unhappy in a relationship, and I’m talking about those high in traits of the Dark Triad. Yes it’s as scary as it sounds, and the components of this personality combo are narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.
Unfortunately these guys don’t have warning signs plastered across their foreheads. They’re often incredibly charming at the start, they say all the right things, they put you on a pedestal, but once they’ve got their feet under the table things can turn sour very quickly.
Best rule of thumb? If things seem “too good to be true” at the start, be very, very sceptical.
3. Take your time
I know what it’s like – you meet a hot guy who gets your pulse racing. You’re going weak at the knees and you can’t wait to get it on. But hang on just a minute!
When you get intimate you’ll have a rush of neurochemicals working their magic in your brain, and this will have you smitten with the guy from the start. If he then turns out not to be good relationship material you’re going to find it really hard to extract yourself. You’ll hope he’ll change - he won’t - and you’ll be miserable.
Better then, to approach relationships as friendships first of all. Identify guys who seem interesting, nice, that you’re curious about and would like to get to know better.
And the science shows that when we get to know someone and we like them, we like their personality, their humour, we then start to find them physically more attractive and we begin to desire them.
So it might not be as exciting as the smouldering sex god – but you won’t be using up all your emotional energy on someone who’s never going to be good for a relationship, and you stand to find something a hell of a lot more satisfying and happy in the long term.
4. Find your nice guy’s “confidence sweet spot”
We women love a man who’s self-assured – and sometimes that leads us to go for super-confident guys of the Dark Triad variety mentioned above – not a good scenario.
The ones we usually pass up – the good guys, the empathetic ones, often come across as less assertive and sure of themselves. They don’t exactly set us alight.
But here’s the thing. These nice, considerate blokes often have expertise and confidence in a particular area, and if we can see them “in their zone” they become an altogether more attractive prospect.
When I first met my man I knew he was a good guy, but it wasn’t until I heard him sing and totally own the room that I really got turned on to his charms. For other men, it might be their ability to teach others, or to craft beautiful objects, or to give funny speeches – whatever. If we can find their zone, and crucially if we can see other people being impressed with them, it’s a game changer.
5. Get your self-esteem sorted
Everybody likes different things – it’s the way we evolved to be. You absolutely are attractive for a man who’s right for you, so own your idiosyncrasies. Yes, some men will run for the hills when they find out you’re an Shakespeare fanatic, a gaming nerd, or a new-age hippie. So what? You don’t want them. Some men will love your particular quirks and the kind of person you are and those are the ones to be interested in.
Hold your head high and know you’ve got what it takes. Good self-esteem is your most powerful tool in finding the right man because it means you won’t put up with bad behaviour. And if you can boost your confidence – it’s going to make you glow.
So when you meet a man, you don’t need to worry about how to make him like you or how to be attractive to him.
Instead, ask yourself, “Has this guy got the capacity to be the kind of partner I need?”, “Has he got what it takes?”
That’s how to find yourself the best relationship, and live your dream.
And if you’d like Dr Mairi’s support with finding a good relationship, check out her program and her free resources at datingevolved.com
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